Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣