Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

💻🤡

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.