Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer