Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.