*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
You Might Also Like
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
This hospital has everything
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The symmetry is uncanny.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent