*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it