Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion