Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life