Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
You Might Also Like
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely