Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.