Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…