Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
👽
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds