Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.