Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
every college guy’s fridge
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met