winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
tourist season
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends