winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it