Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

learning about math 🧐 📝

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?