Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
no exceptions
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.