Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.