Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.