Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Become ungovernable.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler