Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My biological clock is wheezing.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0