Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger