Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more