*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
the #horror is real!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Skills
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.