Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

i now pronounce you bounced.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

why I oughta

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me: