Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future