[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first