*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*