Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Good morning

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!