wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
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Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
hmmmmmm
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*