Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

For those that worship cheese..

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.