Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
This came to me in a dream.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?