Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader