Wise advice
You Might Also Like
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus