WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Stop sending me this shit.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
