WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!