Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.