Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.