Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Weirdly Wednesday.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to