Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
So sick of all these stupid rules
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area