Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, Twitter 😊

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

choose your gary

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.