Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

My first child will be named New Folder.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Need this in my life lol

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.