Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

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I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?


I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.



“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?


They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.


The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.


Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.


I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.


what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home


A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”