Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.