Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.