Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
#winning
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
