Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
This forever.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
What’s a Messi?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
this is the kind of friend i am
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????