Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Matt Goss
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Hitlers gonna hitl
Priorities
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
