Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
happy halloween
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
