Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
🚲+physics = winner
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods