Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold