Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses