Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by