Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it