Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.