Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

me at the job i begged god for

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.