Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
