My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype