Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
From my Mom
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: