wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Well, that should do it
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
