wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*