Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me