Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
WHY?!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.