Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
You Might Also Like
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
oppen heimer style lol
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive