Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]