Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh