@simoncholland

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

You Might Also Like

@CourtneyBale

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

@kelownagoose

I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude

@miliondollameat

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@jonnysun

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

@underchilde

I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.

@MikeOdenthal

Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits

@GingerHotDish

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

@comer310

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

@97Vercetti

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh