wish me luck lads
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
asked my bf how work was today
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The dark side of Canada
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function