Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…