Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw this yesterday lol

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Crying is a sign of leakness.

me hitting on a model

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Every work meeting this week

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream