Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
What?!?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.