Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
my mom making me talk to relatives
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.